I saw this image at a summer art show of a tiger and a dragon and jokingly said to Dave, look it’s us! I 
really contemplated writing a blog post about our marriage because it has been everything but perfect, but then I realized that’s what Honest Sassy Mama is all about, the reality of life and not creating a picture for our followers of perfection.
We have been married for almost 4 years, both previously widowed. I jumped into our marriage way to fast coming off of a trauma and rocky relationship. At the time Dave was my anchor and one of the only people around who I could trust and didn’t throw me to the wolves.
However, Dave and I are also like oil and water and because of what I had gone through I was absolutely not myself when we met. I was beat up, bruised and bleeding inside. Because of this I also had a very muted drawn back personality and had lost all my spark and fire.
We both brought some past scars and psychological burdens to our marriage that made the first 2 years hell. I won’t even cherry coat that word because it is what it was. We had issues with our children, personal lives, our own selves and burdens haunting us from our past.
We would get into horrible heated arguments, I’ve called the cops to our house on a couple of occasions, and neither of us would say we are proud of the words we have spoken in those moments. We would go to the bishop, counselors and everyone would say the same thing, we needed to separate or change. I have been so close to separating that I have even started to file paperwork, look for houses and make an exit plan. So why am I still here?
Progress, because I can see the progress in our relationship. Sometimes slow but it is happening. I have to learn to be less defensive; Dave less controlling and we meet in the middle. I have always heard the words “people can’t change”, but guess what they can.
You also have to remove poisons from your relationship. This means letting go of the past to include people who may have caused emotional harm. This one can be really hard but you can’t focus on your relationship if the issues that you are dealing with are still being fed.
We are together because we are the ones who decided to get remarried and create a blended family and while we may not be doing it perfectly we are committed to our children to do the best that we can for them and us.
You have to learn how to get past the little things and focus on what is really important. Recognize your own shortcomings so that you can better help your spouse. I know my triggers are lack of sleep and feeling like I’m being controlled and when these happen I get very defensive and I am quick to put on my armor. As we have both worked on our relationship I catch myself reacting to things based on our past behaviors and I really have to stop myself and remember that Dave has made huge changes and that it is unfair for me to jump to conclusions.
If you love each other, don’t give up! You can both make changes and make things work. This is not to say that you will never take steps back either, because you will, but always push forward to progress further than where you were before.
Blessings!
-AJ-