Today is September 15th, it marks my soul deep and dark. Today is the day that my husband took his life; today is the day that my life stood still while everyone around me kept going.
I will never be free of the feelings of guilt. No one can say anything to make it go away and I can never manifest enough positive self-talk to make it disappear. The only thing I can do is share my story so that someone else can know that they are not alone.
I feel guilt, guilt because my two boys lost their father. Guilt, because I did not recognize that my husband was suffering from a severe state of depression. Guilt, that I let my guard down and was associating with people who did not have the same values as I did and were creating a fog in my mind. Guilt that I allowed my best friends at the time to take me down a path that was not who I was. Guilt that I now have a different kind of relationship with my spouse today and a beautiful 3 year old that is medication for my soul. Guilt, that I could not give my first husband what I now give today. Guilt, that I could not help him…. Guilt, that I did not do more…. Guilt, that I tried to help him but did not help enough…Guilt, that I could have stopped him if I had known.
This type of trauma causes an issue with the people who are moving forward from a suicide. Coupled with the loss of my sweet baby girl last year I tend to find myself easily slipping into a state of “waiting for the next hit”.
I am at a place in my life where I love my job, I am happy in my marriage; I have beautiful opportunities unfolding in front of me. Yet, I catch my self-waiting, waiting for the next punch. I find myself wrapped in guilt if I accept that I have all of these amazing blessings.
I share this with you because if you feel the same way, it is okay. There is nothing wrong with you; it 
means you have a soul, a spirit of worth that shows compassion. So what do you do in order to not be living in this “negative” spot where you are unable to enjoy what you have in this moment?
You forgive yourself, you close your eyes and you send all of that pain to our Savior. It will never go away but in the moments that it comes, you have the power to shift it to him. It is not easy and sometimes it is okay to take a moment to cry it all out and then let it go.
The love of our Savior is very real and no matter what choices a person makes you are not in control of anyone else but yourself. When I take a spiritual moment to reflect I know without a doubt that my past spouse is in a place of peace where he is working diligently on his own mission. I know without a doubt that my 3 year old and sweet baby girl both needed to gain their physical bodies. I know without a doubt that my current spouse and I were given to each other to help us both to grown spiritually and to become better people by taking all of our tattered past and sewing a beautiful quilt with our future.
Remember that you are of worth, you are loved and no matter how broken you feel the Savior can heal every inch of your soul and he will, because he loves you unconditionally.
~AJ~