Vengeful People – Psychology of Revenge
One of the best pieces of advice was given to me about a year ago, “you need therapy”. I had just felt the spirit leave my daughter’s body while I held her against me, taking in those last few seconds and going into shock that she was gone. So yes, I did need therapy, wouldn’t you?
What is really interesting is that the person who suggested that I start therapy is the person who I found out with the help of a therapist was causing me severe emotional damage and ruining my marriage. Somewhat ironic that the person who gave me the best advice was also the part of the reason I needed to see a therapist.
Fast forward to where I am today, 12 months later. There have been so many things that have happened, especially for Dave and I. With a lot of dedication and work we are now at a place where we communicate clearly and understand the hurt that both of us have experienced in the past. We are building each other up instead of tearing each other down. Somewhere along the way in the process of becoming happier people focused on service and helping others after what we went through with our daughter we noticed some passive aggressive behaviors around us.
As we have moved into this positive place in our life it is amazing to me the people that are vengeful, is it irritating to see people be happy, is this some king of jealousy issue? So being that I like to do research I took a deeper dive into the “psychology of vengefulness and revenge”.
For the record, I do make an attempt to use clear concise communication with people; they just don’t always like it. When you point out that someone is doing something illegal, inappropriate, just to put it clear “not honest in their daily dealings” and suddenly they are upset because their entire life they have been able to get away with it and “opps” someone with courage stood up to them they can get a little heated. Keep in mind, I don’t run around pointing out peoples faults, that’s not what this is about, this is about someone acting in a way that is hurting other people and causing them emotional issues, financial costs or whatever it may be, you are having a negative impact on someone else because you are being selfish and those other people don’t know how or are afraid to stop you and say something.
Then the person has a complete melt down freak out because they don’t know how to be accountable for their behavior and they strike back with “revenge”. I’m not sure if in their minds this revenge behavior is part of a high school reenactment or a craving to live a scene from “Hamlet”, I am going to go with the first in the most recent situation I faced because I am fairly certain that the person I have encountered conducting this behavior would think “Hamlet” was the name of a farmers pig.
So anyway, I enjoyed my little bit of reading and found an interesting correlation between neuroticism, anger and people who seek revenge. Joseph Burgo who wrote The Narcissist You Know, attributes this vengefulness to unconscious shame and the person who is attacking feels a need to defend themselves. That shame leaves the person vulnerable to anything that looks even vaguely like an attack, this in turn causes anger and the person reacts with no boundaries.
Clearly I have witnessed this and it usually becomes some type of 
aggressive rumor that is meant to hurt and destroy but has no truth other than what the person fabricates in their mind. The “you hurt me so I will hurt you back” mentality.
Honestly, I had a fantasy as a child that adults did not participate in this behavior, wrong. Aggressiveness, lies and revenge all show up to the race when you’re up against team insecurity, so hold your reins tight because these people are experienced in chaos and can make your life quite a miserable place if you don’t disassociate yourself, at least the best you can.
So there you go, I guess that even as adults we will never be free from the pettiness that I prayed was left behind in my younger years, it apparently follows some.
So whether you are here to enjoy my sarcastic posts, read through my spiritual encouragement, learning to love yourself regardless of your race, culture, religion, tattoos, drug addictions, or you’re spying on me to run and gossip, I welcome all unconditionally.
~AJ~ Honest Sassy Mama