I have to catch myself in the moment, the moment when everything is clear and raw and I feel vulnerable but courageous. These moments are hard to find when you are juggling a career and a family that consists of a 4yr old who thinks you are his personal assistant.
I struggle with my mental health every day, sometimes every hour. Its hard to be transparent, it makes you feel judged, something is wrong with me, but if we were all more open to letting people see both the light and dark side of our souls then how much despair could we spare.
My anxiety and compulsiveness are a result of genetics, a childhood where I was never doing it right, bad decisions, and trying to fit into what I was “expected” to be. Sometimes when the darkness starts to set in I can pinpoint the cause. Surrounding myself with too many negative places or people, allowing myself to feel guilt from my past, not getting enough sleep, not being able to plan or control what is going on.
I get into a really messed up place when I have more than one trigger. I see a person from my past, I am already exhausted, then something reminds me of my daughter’s death all in one day and down the rabbit hole I go. Sometimes it is simple and I can jump right back out. Other times it is too heavy, and I can’t seem to manage to climb back up. I get scared, I do not want to be down there, what if this time I cannot get out?
How do I save myself? I know what my healthy outlets are, the ones that bring me back out of the rabbit hole to my thriving garden. My garden full of blooming flowers, each a symbol of me progressing to my best self.
I post on my social media platform, hug my husband and feel the energy connection between us, go to bed early, get back into a routine and all of these are the “drink me” potions that get me back to ground level.
It all starts with self-talk. I literally have a therapy session with me. “What is going on that is making you feel this way?” I then talk through my feelings and replace them with positive manifestations. I focus on the good things I have in my life. I find gratitude in the smallest of places, the smell of a flower, the sound of water running, the fact that I have indoor plumbing. No matter how bad you have it there is something you can be thankful for.
Get rid of the words, “something is wrong with me.” Nothing is wrong with you; the world is just not transparent enough for you to see the vulnerable state that everyone is in. We all struggle. If you watch me on social media most of the time you see the sparkle. You see a mom with an adorable 4 yr old, a beautiful home sitting on 5 acres next to the mountain range, her eyes are beautiful, and her soul is bold. I drive a nice truck; I have cute t-shirts and fun knick knacks I share.
I don’t go live and show you when Dave and I get in an argument or one of my teenagers pulls an attitude or I am sitting at my computer trying to figure out how to pay my bills and most importantly you are not witnessing the internal mental struggle I have with myself.
Something is not wrong with you; we are all in a battle internally and externally with this thing called life.