When Life Serves You Trauma How Do You Heal?

| Inspiration

A couple of things have happened in the past couple of days that have brought me back to some of the traumatic events I have had in my life and I want to address – How do you heal from trauma?

When we were told at 26 days we were out of options and operating on our angel would be like trying to sew tissue paper, the surgeon looked us right in the eye and said, please don’t make me operate on your daughter, I mean I will but I know she will die while I am. Those words stung, but sometimes we are faced with some pretty harsh realities, the ones that burn into your soul and leave an everlasting scar. So how do you heal, how do you move on?

First you have to understand that we all deal with things differently. The mother of the sweet baby that was near us during our stay is now being faced with a similar situation and as I tried to reach out to her to offer comfort she took my words and my story as me telling her to give up on her baby when I truly only wanted to let her know that I knew how she felt. She unfriended me on social media, and you know what its ok. She’s hurting, that’s not even the word for it.

Move on to an event today where a family lost a daughter to a sudden illness. The father posted the most beautiful testimony on their facebook page. He talked about how much his two year old had touched people’s lives here but would now go on to touch millions and regarded what had happened as a blessing.
We all say that we have a true understanding of the atonement and gospel of Jesus Christ and that our families are forever but the true test is in these circumstances.

I have talked with other moms who have lost babies to CHD and they often blame themselves. I think in any unannounced passing of a loved one no matter the reason we will always seek to find some “blame”. Could we have done something different, did we cause this to happen? I think this can be a huge burden to work through when you are dealing with a suicide or a tragic accident especially .

The truth of the matter is, I don’t know why some of us are faced with trauma and what in some cases seems like quite more than our fair share while we see others seemingly coasting through life. Of course everyone has more issues to deal with than we ever realize as well, even the neighbors that look so perfect.

How do you move forward, how do you not feel anger with yourself, anger with another, anger at God? When we lost our baby I had many people say that it could break our marriage and I will be honest we have had more rocky moments than most. It has taken a lot of effort on both our parts and the biggest key player for me in all of this is my savior and father in heaven and Dave’s willingness to work on all our issues both big and small. I can now say seven months later that the event has strengthened our relationship but at one time I felt it could have ended us.

I had not been active in the church before Kyndlee passed away. I had been to church off and on and I even had a temple recommend but my heart was not there. It wasn’t until after she passed that I went back to a session. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I walked into that temple alone and had Satan pulling on my dress the entire way there. It was the first time I had been there in years and I was dealing with a lot in my head.

It was there that I found true comfort, the tender mercies that Kyndlee had been sending became easier to understand and see. I knew at that moment that my daughter had a calling that I could not even being to comprehend and part of that was to work with me on genealogy and temple work. I began to heal and understood that she had not died in vain.

Alice in Wonderland became one of my favorite stories as it was a book I had gotten while in the hospital and I read it to Kyndlee multiple times each day. I later realized why as characters and moments in the story made sense and in a whimsical way. As I have felt my daughters spirit I know that she wouldn’t have it any other way.

You have to heal in your own way and on your own time and don’t feel frustrated if you get to a point where you feel like it’s not happening. Be patient, and seek out the comfort of the spirit. I take steps back all of the time. Things that trigger emotions, the sound of life flight, the cry of a baby, innocent comments people make, remembering her last breath in moments when I’m tired. I don’t try to push these aside, I let them come raw and strong and then after they have all but taken me to my knees I listen to some soft gospel music, watch a conference talk or find Dave to give me comfort in his words. You can let those wounds open up again, it’s part of the healing process and they will never fully close, its ok to have a breakdown as long as you pick yourself back up again.

Remember, as best said by Alice and the White Rabbit –

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Crayons For Dinner

| Daily Life, Reality Check

From day one our son has attempted to eat just about everything, dirt, toys, cat food this kid eats it all. In fact, the other day he brought me a small round pebble he found in the flower bed and said “take this, it’s a choking hazard”, I think he has been hearing those words from the moment he could put his hands to his mouth.
When I had my first son I worried about everything he did, I was a nervous wreck and thought I had to be the perfect mom. Fast forward 18 years and now my 2 year old eats crayons at dinner if that’s what he wants to do. Why? It won’t hurt him and as a much more seasoned mom I also realize there is a hidden lesson for him to learn in this. As long as he is not doing something that is unsafe I’m going to let him find out on his own if crayons really taste that good. He certainly did’t end up eating much more than a couple of little pieces and this was three days ago and he’s still alive.
How often do we prevent our children from learning because we micromanage everything they do in order to have the “perfect child”? Let them learn lessons while they are still small and you have some control over their environment. For anyone who thinks that having a 2 year old is hard you have a big surprise ahead of you, teenagers are much,much worse. You can’t have your 16 year old take a nap and they are off being influenced by the world instead of only you.
In fact, while other parents are celebrating posts of their graduates and sending them off to college I’m celebrating the fact that I survived my 17 year old graduating that he got a diploma by the skin of his teeth. Now I’m praying that the cops don’t show up this weekend because I’m certain my son will be at a “graduation party”. No cute senior photos here or a missionary announcement, and guess what, that’s ok.
I’ll come back to my point above, parenting does not have to be perfect for you to be a success.
So hang on for the ride, understand that all kids are different and there is nothing wrong with you if you are doing the best you can and things don’t always turn out like the fantasy you had as a little girl with your cute babies and white picket house.
Relax a bit, and let them eat crayons. Crayons
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Easy “Peasie” Chicken Pillows

| Campbell's Soup, Chicken Pillows, Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, Recipes, Super Easy Dinner

My Take On Easy “Peasie” Chicken Pillows

You Will Need – this makes 4 large chicken pillows

1 Can (2.5oz) Diced Cooked Chicken – drained
2 Cans (8oz) Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
1 Package Frozen Peas – if your amazing feel free to use fresh peas, or cooked frozen for about 4 min
1 Package (8oz) Cream Cheese – softened
1/2 tsp Garlic Powder
1/4 tsp Salt
1/4 tsp Black Pepper – I prefer restaurant style course ground pepper
1 tsp Chives

For Sauce –
1 Can (10.5oz) Campbell’s Cream Of Mushroom Soup
1/2 cup Real Mayonnaise (weird I know but makes a super yum sauce)

To Prepare –
Mix softened cream cheese with drained canned chicken, peas, garlic powder, salt, pepper and chives.
On a baking sheet, I am a huge, big, fat fan of Pampered Chef Stones… place crescents, pinching two seams at a time together to form a rectangle. Like back in kindergarten, two triangles make a rectangle. Scoop mixture into the middle of the crescent rectangles. Pinch remaining crescents into the same shape and place them over the top. Don’t make this difficult, just look at the photo. If you still don’t get it send me a message and we can talk.

Cook according to crescent roll directions.

Sauce – add soup and mayonnaise to a small sauce pan, heat over low just until it starts to bubble. Serve over chicken pillows.

Tips For Reality In The Kitchen –
Use brand names for those I have listed otherwise, generic is great.
You can soften cream cheese if you forget to remove it from the refrigerator prior by working it in your hands to warm and soften, I highly suggest you do this with the wrapper still on. You can also place it in the microwave for a few seconds but be careful its easy to scorch.
Make sure to DRAIN your chicken and peas before adding to the cream cheese.

*Disclaimer: I am highly educated and a seasoned adult in life trials, however I can not spell. This will not affect your recipe.

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Lets Get Started! Weeding Is Not For Me!

| Daily Life, Lowes, Reality Check, Sour Patch Kids, Weeding

So Dave started a business back in December called Hammer It Down, he does siding, tile and finishing work. In addition he also has a full time job as a machinist and is the sexton at a local cemetery. Sorry, but I giggle everytime I get to use that word.
Anyway, his business has really taken off leaving me alone a lot with our fantastically brilliant almost 3 year old.  He is boy number 5 and this one is being raised a lot different than any of our others. We have a combined family, with both Dave and I being widowed so the, lets call it management of the older boys can be somewhat tricky and they know how to play their cards.
I have been on both sides of the fence, staying at home and working full time and I will NOT speak to either one because I have no opinion other than you should do what is best for YOUR family.
I hope to share some of my daily “moments” as a means for us to get to know each other better and for you to realize that there is no perfect anything.

For starters, this is Tayson hiding because he refuses to let me change him. Its about 7:30 pm and I don’t have any energy to try to chase him down. He has also found a bag of Sour Patch Watermelons in his older brothers room which I have to keep him out of but he recently figured out how to open the baby gate so here we are. What to do? At my age you’ve learned, or if you haven’t I suggest chilling out that its not worth the battle and I just wait until he decides to come out from behind the chair.

 I spent most of my day outside chasing Tayson around, he would live in the yard if we let him. We have our home for sale so I try to make the most of my time being outside and today this entailed weeding.
I have an amazing mother, and she LOVES to do yard work which I am certain is genetic and not one of the chromosomes that I got. I hate gardening with a passion and would rather clean a bathroom.
As Im weeding Im thinking to myself that this is just really stupid. I have all these amazing weeds that need hardly any water that are growing like crazy and what do I do, pull them all up and replace them with plants that I cant keep alive.
And who decided what is considered to be appropriate in a flower bed and what isn’t? Seems like a mad money making scheme if you ask me. How many pots of decorative “grasses” to you see at Lowe’s? Yet here I am pulling everything out that looks just like it.
Look at these, they even have little flowers and are growing like crazy all over my yard but some genius with a PhD decided its a weed so Im out here pulling them up.
Perhaps Ill make a fresh salad for my goats. What a waste of time really……

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